Quite Scary

As I said in the title, it's quite scary. Its been over two years since I last, and first, wrote on this blog and reading it over again I just can't help but feel exactly the same as I did when I wrote it.

I would like to add a disclaimer: I am not an emo. I do not go around with greasy black hair, wearing dark clothes and cutting my wrists. That particular lifestyle (or perhaps I should say deathstyle) works fine for some people, but for me? No.

I am a regular guy being attacked by The Invisible Monster That No-One Else Can See.

On the surface, I have nothing to be depressed about. I have a job as a Learning Support Assistant, which will further my ambition to become an English Teacher. I also have a job at a local Cafe to fill in the time that I am not working at the School. I am (for me at least) raking in the "dollah" at the moment. I have more money than I have ever had at any point in my life before. I enjoyed these newfound riches immensely at Christmas: I created a "stocking" for my mother, who really enjoyed opening her presents. Normally, her own mother (Dear Granny) would have made her stocking for her, but since she passed on in November, I figured she might find it a little difficult this year: I stepped up to the plate and, though I flatter myself, hit a home run.

No, the thing that is depressing me is the same thing that has been depressing me for the last (pretty much) six years. Since "the event" I have been totally unable, for one reason or another, to attract any girl into any sort of act of a serious nature. My shrink (whom I stopped seeing years ago) told me that I subconsciously made myself unattractive to females in order to protect myself: outright rejection is easier than being drawn in and then dumped.

Whenever my mates and I have a few inside us, we always seem to fall back to the question of my virginity. To this, I have the perfect (and true) answer, even if believing it hurts almost physically. My answer is that "I don't want a girl for a quick shag. I don't want a one night stand. I don't want to fuck a girl whose name I won't even remember in the morning. I want a girlfriend."

To expand on that, what I really want is a girl with whom I can have a laugh and a joke; I want a girl with whom I can talk, and lie in bed and watch crappy TV. I want a girl whom I can spoil with presents that I can buy with my newfound money; I want a girl with whom I can just lie and cuddle in the evening after a long day at work.

I have now heard from no fewer than seven female mouths the words "I wish my boyfriend were like you."

I cannot help but feel this: IF YOU WISH YOU BOYFRIEND WERE LIKE ME, THEN BLOODY WELL DUMP HIM AND COME OUT TO DINNER!

As the title says, this is a Cathartic experience. To be honest I doubt that anyone will ever read this except myself, but if you do: tell your friends. Now that my creative drive has been awakened once again I will be posting a lot more...

But seriously...

Goodbye nobody.

A realisation

I wonder if any of you have ever suddenly realised that you suck at life.

It's a fairly crappy realisation to come to, but its happened to me just recently. For four years I thought that I was alright, I thought that I had moved on, and then suddenly...I realised that I hadn't. I was missing lectures, seminars...everything that could actually help me towards a better life, and suddenly I realised why: because I just don't want to do this any more.

Nothing can really excite me, nothing can really make me feel anything any more. Over the years I've thickened my skin to the point where I thought bad things couldn't get in, but they can. They just can't get out. They sit inside me and fester, and I can't get rid of them. I can shut them out sometimes if I try, but then eventually I remember what it is that I'm shutting out and it all comes back.

I'm also a coward. Ever since the incident four years ago, I've been so afraid of rejection that I'm actually almost happier being alone compared to the pain that another rejection would cause. I'm not willing to take the smallest chance to create or foster any kind of relationship because of my fear that it will end badly.

I'm unable to work to my full potential, I'm unable to socialise outside of a small group of friends unless I'm a bit drunk, and I spend the evenings hugging my pillow and wishing that I had someone to be with me or watching films on my computer to put off the eventual pain of going to an empty bed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, exaggerating when there's really nothing to complain about. But sometimes I feel like I'm not, and this is one of those times.

Night. Or morning (seeing as it's 5am)...