I wonder if any of you have ever suddenly realised that you suck at life.
It's a fairly crappy realisation to come to, but its happened to me just recently. For four years I thought that I was alright, I thought that I had moved on, and then suddenly...I realised that I hadn't. I was missing lectures, seminars...everything that could actually help me towards a better life, and suddenly I realised why: because I just don't want to do this any more.
Nothing can really excite me, nothing can really make me feel anything any more. Over the years I've thickened my skin to the point where I thought bad things couldn't get in, but they can. They just can't get out. They sit inside me and fester, and I can't get rid of them. I can shut them out sometimes if I try, but then eventually I remember what it is that I'm shutting out and it all comes back.
I'm also a coward. Ever since the incident four years ago, I've been so afraid of rejection that I'm actually almost happier being alone compared to the pain that another rejection would cause. I'm not willing to take the smallest chance to create or foster any kind of relationship because of my fear that it will end badly.
I'm unable to work to my full potential, I'm unable to socialise outside of a small group of friends unless I'm a bit drunk, and I spend the evenings hugging my pillow and wishing that I had someone to be with me or watching films on my computer to put off the eventual pain of going to an empty bed.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, exaggerating when there's really nothing to complain about. But sometimes I feel like I'm not, and this is one of those times.
Night. Or morning (seeing as it's 5am)...
