Quite Scary

As I said in the title, it's quite scary. Its been over two years since I last, and first, wrote on this blog and reading it over again I just can't help but feel exactly the same as I did when I wrote it.

I would like to add a disclaimer: I am not an emo. I do not go around with greasy black hair, wearing dark clothes and cutting my wrists. That particular lifestyle (or perhaps I should say deathstyle) works fine for some people, but for me? No.

I am a regular guy being attacked by The Invisible Monster That No-One Else Can See.

On the surface, I have nothing to be depressed about. I have a job as a Learning Support Assistant, which will further my ambition to become an English Teacher. I also have a job at a local Cafe to fill in the time that I am not working at the School. I am (for me at least) raking in the "dollah" at the moment. I have more money than I have ever had at any point in my life before. I enjoyed these newfound riches immensely at Christmas: I created a "stocking" for my mother, who really enjoyed opening her presents. Normally, her own mother (Dear Granny) would have made her stocking for her, but since she passed on in November, I figured she might find it a little difficult this year: I stepped up to the plate and, though I flatter myself, hit a home run.

No, the thing that is depressing me is the same thing that has been depressing me for the last (pretty much) six years. Since "the event" I have been totally unable, for one reason or another, to attract any girl into any sort of act of a serious nature. My shrink (whom I stopped seeing years ago) told me that I subconsciously made myself unattractive to females in order to protect myself: outright rejection is easier than being drawn in and then dumped.

Whenever my mates and I have a few inside us, we always seem to fall back to the question of my virginity. To this, I have the perfect (and true) answer, even if believing it hurts almost physically. My answer is that "I don't want a girl for a quick shag. I don't want a one night stand. I don't want to fuck a girl whose name I won't even remember in the morning. I want a girlfriend."

To expand on that, what I really want is a girl with whom I can have a laugh and a joke; I want a girl with whom I can talk, and lie in bed and watch crappy TV. I want a girl whom I can spoil with presents that I can buy with my newfound money; I want a girl with whom I can just lie and cuddle in the evening after a long day at work.

I have now heard from no fewer than seven female mouths the words "I wish my boyfriend were like you."

I cannot help but feel this: IF YOU WISH YOU BOYFRIEND WERE LIKE ME, THEN BLOODY WELL DUMP HIM AND COME OUT TO DINNER!

As the title says, this is a Cathartic experience. To be honest I doubt that anyone will ever read this except myself, but if you do: tell your friends. Now that my creative drive has been awakened once again I will be posting a lot more...

But seriously...

Goodbye nobody.